I haven't written in awhile. Well, that's not entirely true, I've done nothing BUT write the past two years. I guess what I mean is I haven't written just to write in a long time. All the writing I've done over the past two years has been for a grade so, no matter how much time I spend on it, it still lacks something of me - it's still missing something essential.
I've been at the University of Idaho for two years now. Two years. On one hand it doesn't seem that long and on the other it feels like an eternity. I've seen people come and go from my life, some of them of their own accord, some because I practically gave them no choice. Let me explain.
I live my life very much like I write. When I have a paper due I sit down, usually the night before, and write until I'm through. I throw everything on the page at once, there's no brainstorming, outlining, or drafting, it's just all at once, all or nothing. Everything I've ever been taught about writing tells me this way of doing things is wrong, that nothing good can come of it. Unfortunately, we're not graded on our process, just the end result. So my professors continue to give me good grades on bad work ethic. I've discovered that my life tends to mirror this. I throw everything out there all at once, I don't ease into anything. I don't have the patience to go through things in stages, to let a situation develop and grow. For better or worse I throw caution to the wind and write it all at once, live it all at once. Yeah, I know, this coming from the girl who swore she and her family would all die the first time we went white water rafting.
So I guess it's not my whole life really, it's my relationships. I decide I want something or someone and I go for it - all or nothing. Maybe I overestimate myself and my charm, maybe I assume people will love me and they must be forced to realize it.
I can't decide if it's a good or bad quality to be honest.
Either way it has a way of getting me hurt. Despite my projections of cynicism, I have faith in people. Once I get attached I get attached fiercely - which is scary as all hell. Truth be told I've never known disappointment like I've experienced over the past year. People change and it's terrifying. I've lost a friendship I didn't think I could lose, I've been told in a thousands ways why I'm not good enough, and yet the craziest thing is that I wouldn't do anything differently. Yeah, yeah, it's a cliche, I know but it's true when you really think about it. Those choices made, those disappointments experienced, they're what make a life. Who doesn't want one of those. Whether it gets me hurt or not, I'd rather go through life by throwing it all on the page the night before than living life behind a wall of caution. I'll get hurt, sure, but rather than building walls in response to the pain, I'll just have a better understanding of who is worth writing it all down at once for.
Besides, as much as I try, I'll never be very good at the whole drafting process.